Argh! I’m so angry!

Frustration, anger, feeling unheard, feeling being left out

Denise Tham
3 min readDec 2, 2020
Noise or signal?

A few reflections of my recently angry moment. That was not new, in fact, this is very familiar. However, this is the first time I am writing it down.

All tiny details were amplified as being there to annoy me.

My ego told me this was unfair and this was personal, an attack on my entire being.

Each comment was targeted to pierce my intelligence, aimed to reveal my brain was a piece of tofu, of no usage.

Each explanation became an excuse to kick me off the playing field.

Every sentence was meant to dismiss my previous comment.

“You can remove yourself from the scene now. I can handle it from here.” A simple request such as that was immediately translated to:

“Please get out.” “We have no place for you here.”

I perceived it as a dismissal of my capabilities. A confirmation of I was useless.

🔵 What I did at that moment…

Do a body scan

The body scan method is one of the ways to detect those emotions is present. I sensed that my mind was tired and busy at the same time. I could feel my jaws were tight and I frown. My throat was tight near my tongue. My breath was short and forced. I pushed my out-breath hard as if to rid of myself. I began to feel my feet, my heels were heavy.

Being clear about my role

I wanted to “win this” as if I am a solo warrior.

In a team, each person has a role. Be clear about it. I softened my pride. I begin to accept my responsibilities. Accept who make the final decision while all suggestions are welcomed. It was more supportive to know who the “head chef” was then collaborating with the team. I turned the goal from “win the war” into “make it work for the team”.

Physically removing oneself away from the stress

I wanted to yell, a lot. I did not.

Separating the stress from the stressor can be a major help. The stressor is the person who creates the perceived stress. The stress is the action/decision/event/consequence from the event. If possible, leave the scene. I removed myself from a visual clutter when entering a room filled with things in a mess. I leave the room when w clear decision that I wish to handle it later or I decide not to take it upon myself.

Did those 3 things turn the anger into sunshine and rainbow in my head? ABSOLUTELY NOT. My volcano was still spewing lava, a hazardous eruption was about to hurt someone around me.

I started writing this. Be with it, just write.

Then what?

🔆 What I can do more to experiment

Make suggestions, slow down & listen

I want to easily suggest a few ideas and wait for the responses, the objection, the agreement then ask questions to understand better. Slow down.

Instead of telling myself unsupportive statement (“That is a BS reason.”), ask the underlying reason for an execution choice. Sometimes it could just be as simple as, “I know one way to do it.”, a lack of time to research or knowing the possible options.

Distance oneself from the decision

Pull myself away and look at the event from a bird’s eyes view. That distance helps to de-personalise the event, let oneself feel. This helps to see it from a different perspective with a curious mind.

It is so darn difficult to keep a cool head. It is difficult to avoid being overwhelmed. Then I remember, each day is a new day, a work in progress. Then I am hopeful again, a little more than a moment ago.